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 Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt

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Rhapsode
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PostSubject: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:48 pm

Hey guys! This is the much touted first episode of "The Unspeakable Adventures of the Snake Cult!" It's my second draft. Tell me what you think, give corrections where need be, all that good stuff. I hated the way it looked pasted into the forum's font (I really oughta get around to fixing that one day...) so I made it a Google Document. Here it be!

Episode 1: The Snake Man Cometh
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PostSubject: Response: A response (obviously)    Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:10 pm

Great! Yes, good. Fantastic!
All adjective-ish type words I imagine spit from the mouth of an irritate (yet strangely content) John Cleese in Fawlty Towers. He's happy, you see, because I've finally manged to read this story.
Now...for the reaction.
Not good. Not good, I'm afraid. Not good at all. Great in fact, pretty damn amazing. I'm reminded of Douglas Adam's writing his Dirk Gently books (And, I pretend to imagine, that in such cases where the author has passed, and was a raving fan of absurdity to begin with, a compliment along these lines...
____________________
_____________________

is not so much a caparison to plagiarism as simple, gentle, sweet and wonderful praise.)
I liked it!
If forced to offer suggestions, (leather, hot pokers, you've done this before...) I would say the story might need just a bit more polish with regard to reality vs. absurdity. There is a very delicate balance that must be maintained between silly sentences and flowing prose and for the most part, I think you nail it. But maybe just go back over the story and look for segments where the comedy is TOO intrusive. For some reason "egress" stuck me as trying too hard and there's a point where the author (that's you, my boy) intrudes pretty savagely, saying "I" in a sentence. If that's not something you're doing all the way through it's very "sore thumb."
Other than that, just a few little things that seem first-draftish, but really it's great. The opening paragraph seems a little rough (or maybe not funny enough) but I'm not sure how to fix that really.
This is pretty far from how I do comedic writing so maybe I'm not the best person to give an opinion. Maybe I'd be better at going over it in person when you're down here. Okay, gotta run, these customers are getting antsy. Many, a few hours in line and boom...temper!
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Mon Nov 29, 2010 4:51 pm

10,000 hurrahs to you, Mr. Vad!

I must say, with all the conflicting adjectives that review of yours left me a bit boggled at first. I do agree that the start of the story is a little rough; however, I have the damndest time fixing that with any prose I write. I think it's just one of the fundamental difficultes of the short story: how do I start so the reader can get straight into the swing of things, but also have a firm grasp of the characters and what's going on? Unlike with a novel, you don't get five chapters to set up why Billy can't attend school because he's been magically transformed into an insurance salesman (an honest-to-god book idea of mine).

I take the Douglas Adam comparison as a great compliment. I always forget to read The Hitchhiker's Guide series, but I have read the Dirk Gently ones, and they are quite funny in a very absurd British sort of way.

I think meeting with you to go over the story is a fantastic idea. What with finals and me moving, I don't have time for any of this rewriting business until around that point anyways. I shall buy you coffee sir, and you shall give me guidance that will fill me with a great understanding of anything and everything, and perhaps point out a few spots where commas are needed.

I expect no less!
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Mon Nov 29, 2010 6:27 pm

I apologize profusely, but with NaNo occupying most of my time I must confess that I've been rather busy with, you know, the whole 50k words and what-not. (It's still not done, but that's what December is for, right!?)

I didn't realize that a snake god had such a John Cleese-like "God" character type to it (from MP and the Holy G). While it is rather comical, I wouldn't think that such a figure has any real reason to talk like that--except, of course, in the slim-but-still-possible case where said snake god is in fact John Cleese in disguise, but like that's going to happen--I'd think that he (or it, for that matter) might want to speak in a more sinister tone, something more foreboding that might suit a dark deity like him better than the dry, sarcastic wit.

**Rhaps--Good idea, O Hi_Inq!

COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA!

But other than that, one small suggestion--the title makes more sense reading "Der Schlangemann kommt" as opposed to "Die Schlange Mann kommt": reason being you're trying to refer to a snake-man as one single entity as opposed to two separate ones. As it reads now, it'd be literally translated to "The snake (named) Mann cometh" as opposed to what you want it to say--"The Snake-man Cometh".

And they said that I wouldn't use my four-and-a-half years of German for anything!
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:44 pm

I knew having a Duetschlander-in-spirit on the board would come in handy! The title will certainly be changed.

As far as the personality of Ouroboros, I think living in Germany has severely Westernized him; who's to say that he hasn't been spending his ages in the abyss watching old reruns of Flying Circus? There's also the slim chance that this is all happening in the brother's head.

"But what about the brother's brother?" you ask, being the clever git that you are. How do you know he actually has one? It could be like Fight Club! It's the same dude the whole time!

I gotta write this down...
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Tue Nov 30, 2010 5:39 pm

DEUTSCHLANDER!!!! SPELL IT RIGHT, GODDAMMIT!!!

Mad

Anyway, if this is indeed how the original author intended the Ouroboros character to act, then by all means, go for it. However, if you're taking a bit of creative licensing (and I'm sure you are), then you might want to think about reworking it...but then again, that's just my opinion...
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Tue Nov 30, 2010 5:48 pm

I'm taking a lot of creative liberties, being that there is no original German version. That's just part of the joke I'm hoping to work in.

Please God, let it be funny!
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:53 am

All I'm saying is that I was confused by the whole not-really-translating-it-but-let's-just-say-we-are premise...some may get it, but others...they just want to read the damn book, man!
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:21 pm

That faux-German thing is something I hope to work in with another draft or two. The idea was a sporadic decision with no thought of consequence or technical details, which is just the way my mind works. If it don't work after all I'll cut it. If it do, then it will be wondrous! Beauteous! Odious?

No, not odious.
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:06 pm

As it stands, there doesn't seem to be a reason for the whole German "translation" to be included at all. I mean, keep the setting the same--because all of Germany basically kicks ass--but it really doesn't matter all that much if it was translated...UNLESS, say, you make the "original author" a character and unofficial scribe of the whole Snake cult who wrote this as, say, a sacred doctrine...

But that would just be silly...wouldn't it...?
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Sat Dec 04, 2010 10:26 pm

Of course it would be silly....silly like a fox! That is, a fox wearing a propeller cap and whistling "The Star Spangled Banner." Now that's a damn silly fox.

You know what, High-jinks? I like it. I think I just may do that.
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:53 am

Now why can't I get ideas like that for myself!? It's horrible! I'm just helping everyone else out while leaving my stuff in the dust! Mad

It's all good, though. I'm glad that I'm helping y'all out with stuff if I've got the ideas to do it. I only expect the same from you guys! Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Wed Dec 08, 2010 11:22 pm

I think the shortest way to end this argument (that of the snake's personality, that is) to just to say that John Cleese is at least "a" god and be done with it. I know I'd be okay with that. That man can make me laugh simply by staring at the camera. You can't tell me there's no divine power going on there.
Also, I think as this whole endeavor is playing out in a rather absurd setting, the inclusion of a deity who fancies himself something of a modern British comic doesn't seem that out of place to me.
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Thu Dec 09, 2010 6:23 am

The question of whether John Cleese is a god is out of the question, because we all know that he is!

The question, however, is whether or not John Cleese is actually the snake-god himself. I mean, for the love of Jebus and all that is slithery! It's him to a T! But is that really what Rhaps wants with this snake character?
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Thu Dec 09, 2010 9:56 am

Hmmm...I see your point. Although I actually didn't immediately think "John Cleese," so much as "that crazy British guy who shows up in so much British comedy like oafish husbands (Archie Bunker, Homer Simpson/ Kevin James on King of Queens/ Jackie Gleason in Honymooners) do in America.
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:48 am

High_Inquisitor wrote:
The question, however, is whether or not John Cleese is actually the snake-god himself. I mean, for the love of Jebus and all that is slithery! It's him to a T! But is that really what Rhaps wants with this snake character?

. To put it bluntly, I don't really think my characters through. I write; and if my Snake God would seem appropriate in giving a lengthy appraisal of whether or not he has purchased a deceased parrot, then I don't mind one bit. That's just how I wrote it; that's the way it will be. I feel no motivation to change it; I mean, I had some good chuckles when writing his dialog, and to make myself laugh is one of the main reasons I write. It's somewhat necessary, or else I go a little crazy.

And by a little, I mean a lot of crazy.
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PostSubject: Re: Episode eins: Die Schlange Mann kommt   Thu Dec 09, 2010 4:29 pm

Do what you damn well please with John Cleese, the God of Snakes. I'm just voicing my opinion and thoughts, that's all. If you feel that it needs to happen, who am I to stop you?

Not mad that you're continuing with the idea, but mad about...other things...
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